


feuer und wasser

by spacehades



Category: Rammstein
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Drunken Kissing, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Making Out, Mutual Pining, Pining, Translation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 20:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11066400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacehades/pseuds/spacehades
Summary: "You are no lover, no leader – you are just like me, but totally different. We've been so close, for all these years. You are my father and my mother. You are holy to me.You are my home."A translation of a Till/Flake fanfiction by Herzlos. Link in the description.





	feuer und wasser

**Author's Note:**

> It wasn't easy. But I just knew I had to do it.  
> When I stumbled upon this fic, thanks to Ronnie, I was hooked from the mere description. It had everything I need in a story - a beautiful ship, a beautiful writing style, and a beautiful mixture of both angst and desire. So I decided to share this with those who don't know German well enough.  
> I, myself, am not fluent in German. Hell, it's not even my third language! And as English is the second one, I assure you, I spend some time over a dictionary. But I'm proud of the result. And I hope Herzlos is too.  
> I urge you to read [the original](https://www.fanfiktion.de/s/5892330c00004f671e7ed940/1/Feuer-und-Wasser) if you can. I obviously do not own anything but the translation!

A _best friend_. If something like that exists... Then that's you. No doubt. I know no other definition of what you are to me. You are no lover, no leader – you are just like me, but totally different. We've been so close, for all these years. You are my father and my mother. You are holy to me.

You are my home.

You know me so well, the way no one else does. I know that I can trust you with anything; nothing can upset you, nothing is shocking to you anymore. You know my darkest thoughts, my worst deeds. And you do not judge me.

You are so pure. So true.

I don't know anymore when it started. One day there was the feeling, and it seemed like it had never been otherwise. That feeling was as familiar to me as you. It did not frighten me. The only thing that did, were those reoccuring dreams, which came to me every night. I have always had intense and frequent dreams – and suddenly they were all about you. You were controlling my subconscious.

Then there was that disastrous night after the concert in Paris, five years ago. I wanted to be alone; wanted to get wasted, to smoke, to drink my beer -- and then celebrate with you. And there was a reason to celebrate – the tour was over and we could finally return home.

_Home_. My heart felt strangely heavy that evening and I blamed it on alcohol, as always. As you came in the room and looked at me, I felt a pang in my chest. It wasn't a feeling unknown to me, but quite odd when one thinks about it. I swore to withold myself a long time ago – and it only made me aware of how long have I been in this state. In this indefinable state, excruciating, and sexual at the same time.

I knew that I could ruin a long-lasting friendship and threaten the future of the band. Even more – I knew that I could ruin you. The first letter on a blank piece of paper. I never filled one. Only scribbled and shredded them to pieces.

„Are you okay?“, you asked and your words felt so heavy. But you have been a fast drinker for God knows how long and I could always understand you well. Without alcohol, one wouldn't have been able to last long in this business; we drank all the time to turn shit into gold.

You sat next to me on the sofa and that dirty, musty dressing room immediately changed for better, all because of your mere presence -- no one else was here. I've been looking at you for so long that your outlines started to become a blur in my eyes, and you waved your hand in front of my face. You laughed, and then I noticed that I was smiling, too. And yet again I felt this sharp pain in my chest, just as I met your gaze. I know that I considered for a short time that it was a symptom of a heart attack and that I touched myself there absentmindely.

„Is everything fine?“ The smile hovered around your lips and you leaned closer. Your hand rested on my arm and it pressed slightly.

I shook my head and let it hang. Now I'm not sure whether I really felt so down, or just wanted you to focus on me for a while longer. I only know that it worked. My head suddenly rested itself on your shoulder and you threw your arm around me.

„What's wrong?“, you mumbled and your breath, smelling of alcohol, felt so warm and nice. You made it so hard for me. Or so easy. Both are accurate. I deeply inhaled the scent of your body; you just came out of shower, like me. You caressed my shoulder and tried to inquire again about what was wrong. But what should have I said? There were no words.

I can't remember whether I eventually did say something or not. I only know that I couldn't resist the urge to press my lips against your warm neck. Slightly, carefully; as if it wasn't even intentional. At first you didn't react; then you gripped my shoulder tighter and I leaned a just a bit to your side. And I became strangely emotional. I still can recall this feeling - it's always present within me.

I wished I had drunk more – the courage was something I certainly needed. But I just went along with it and I still shame myself for that. I murmured your name and, after a while, you looked at me in worry. My own gaze must have said a lot, because your facial expression changed too.

„Has something happened?“, you asked once more and I shrank.

Yeah, _you_ happened. You. Have been for months, actually.

And I'm still ashamed. My head raised automatically, but I couldn't meet your eyes. You laid your arm on me once again and my lips became really close to your neck. Dangerously close. If I had opened my mouth, I would have let out a loud groan, which I tried really hard to suppress. But your smell brought out a beast in me, unnoticedly and silently. My hand slid onto your thigh and it almost frightened me; it happened automatically. Just as my lips longing for your skin again. And finding it.

I felt your vibrating pulse against my mouth. Your breath became faster and you swallowed nervously. Totally shameless then, I was now touching your thin upper body with my hand, snuggled up to you and did so, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. You didn't say a word and sat completely still. Even when my hand stroked your muscle and I murmured in satisfaction. Your scent was covering me and I was intoxicated. Before I knew it, I pressed my lips to your skin, just for a short while. My nose dabbed over your ear. You swallowed again – and tilted your head a bit to my side. As if you enjoyed me doing something that was forbidden. My lips still wandered near your neck, my breath met your skin and your head leaned against mine. Again, I felt that certain something in my chest, which prompted me to open my eyes.

When you rubbed my head with yours, gently and slowly, I needed to shut my eyes again. I had a feeling that my whole body was shaking, but I don't know if you realised it. I kissed your neck, as passionately as if I was caressing your mouth. And I did it on purpose. You held still for a moment – and I think your breath did too. Just as mine. But when my mouth reached your sharp jawline, I took a sharp breath again - that's how good it felt. And the desire to tenderly nibble at it was too big. I did it, while my hand wandered up your body by itself and stopped at the back of your neck.

Then everything happened so fast and somehow unexpectedly. You turned your head into my direction and I clumsily opened my eyes. Our gazes met; I was seeing everything as if through a mist. It took less than seconds for the last centimeters between us to be bridged and our hungry lips finally met. I don't remember everything about it, as I literally couldn't breathe and my heart pounded in my chest like crazy. I only recall the herbal taste of beer on your lips and in your warm breath. My hand tousled your hair, pulling you closer to me, while your own hand grasped my shoulder helplessly.

I couldn't let this moment go to waste; kissed you again and had no idea whether you wanted this or not. I do not remember your reaction. I'm not even sure who was the one to break the kiss. The next thing I did remember was that I mumured an quiet apology and quickly left. And you sat there alone in pure shock. But I couldn't see you. For _months_ I couldn't even bring myself to look you in the eyes.

We never spoke about it again. Every moment, in which we both were alone, was painful. To this day I'm scared that you'll want to talk with me about that evening; and at the same time I wish that I could come to terms with it. But you didn't express the need to do so, and I - I'm too much of a coward.

I could never fully admit to myself that my heart was clinging to you. Until now.

Now I know that I can't be happy without you. I tried, I tried so hard. But it's not possible, Flake. It really isn't, and I hate myself for that. Maybe I'll say that to you one day. Maybe I'll apologise for not distancing myself earlier; for keeping you in my heart like a treasure without your permission and I'll tell you how much I'm ashamed of what I've done. Maybe, one day, I'll let you know that it was neither a joke nor a game to me. Or maybe I'll keep on staying silent until my memory gives me the sweet relief of forgetting. Then I could feel like nothing ever happened and I will be able to die peacefully.

Yes. When all is said and done, I will forget you. You, and the feeling that you left in me.

I will simply forget how to love.

 


End file.
